Thank you, Ariana Grande, stalwart guardian of the food supply, exposer of foods left … exposed.
Your courageous actions highlighted an egregious food safety faux pas. If it weren’t for your vigilante food safety justice, that doughnut shop may have continued to leave its doughnuts uncovered, exposing its customers to a range of dangerous pathogens.
Or worse: Stale doughnuts from the surrounding air.
As an undercover food safety crusader, you opened yourself up to public scrutiny and derision. For this sacrifice, we are grateful.
You knew you were sending a valuable message. With each lick of that errant doughnut, your message grew louder: “I am a food safety advocate! I will not stay silent! Clean! Separate! Cook! CHILL!”
The purveyors of those dangerous doughnuts took heed, and so did America. Your actions did more than just protect the patrons of that doughnut shop; they sparked a nationwide dialogue on food safety.
So again, thank you, Ariana, defender of doughnuts, protector of safe food-handling practices.
Thanks to you, we have one less (one less) problem.
In your debt,
America